Fat , ugly and not welcome!

Today I am going to be writing about my personal thing about my own self-esteem and what I have learned.  If you talk to about half of any high school students or just any girl  you will understand that a lot of girls have  problems with what they look like or how they see themselves when they look in the mirror.  Its part of what people expect others to look like, the media is a big part of why girls want to be the certain figure they see themself as.  Without media what would women look like today?  How many would actually be comfortable with themselves or love themselves? Maybe a lot or maybe it would still be the same.

I have been against what I have looked like ever since the 5^th grade. I remember coming home looking in the mirror and wondering why body looked different than most girls. I didn’t understand why my bones were wider than most girls. I was trying to hide what I was born with. I actually remember taking duct tape and wrapping it around my waist and going to school and passing out.  The tape was definitely not one of my best ideas.  I would go day by day in grade school being made fun of how large I was or that I wasn’t as small as others. I would do anything in my power to fix my own self.  I never wanted to go out or shopping because it would hurt my feelings.

My grade school experience was probably one of the worse things because going through every day with someone stabbing you in the back about your weight. I remember getting salad thrown in my face because I was too fat to eat anything else.  Once you tell someone they are ugly or fat it takes a long time to overcome that feeling or type of pressure to fit in. In my case I still been waiting to be able to believe and love my body.

After grade school I went on to high school, same issue same problem. Girls would make fun of me for not being a zero or that my hair was an ugly shade of blonde. One of the reasons I started dying my hair is for me to feel comfortable with my own self. It started off with the hair then turned into makeup. My makeup is one of my biggest problems probably. I take my make up everywhere I go no matter what. I feel horrible without it. I guess you could say it’s my safety blanket which it is without it I feel uncomfortable.  Its rare people see me without make up. I mean even during sleep overs I would wake up early to do my make up so people didn’t see how bad I looked.  If you would ask a family member or a friend they would say my makeup looks like it came out of Macys or something because I have so much of it. 

I have actually been getting better when it comes to my makeup issues because I have cut back a lot on what I bring to school or what I put on in the morning or when I go out with my friends . Usually it would take two hours for me just to do my makeup perfect and correct.  Now it takes me about an hour. I have been fixing my issues with myself and I will one day get there where I can yell at the top of my lungs saying “I am beautiful” and actually mean it.

My weight is another thing I still have a problem with. I am terrified to go swim suit shopping or some sort of pants because the numbers scare me especially when they go up because that puts a scary sign in my head thinking oh gosh the weights back.  My friends remind me every day that I am beautiful and that I will overcome this.  I believe they are right which they are but for me it’s going to take longer than most.

I have lost over 50 pounds since grade school and still losing, I am staying healthy so I can do what I need to do. Now for me to feel beautiful I got to stop believing all the guys and girls who call me fat, ugly. It’s a hard task but I know I can do it. Actually anyone can. Everyone is beautiful in their own way they just got to start somewhere. No matter how many times you have to start over you keep trying and not give up.

I know it’s hard but we can do it , we can believe in our self and love who we are just got to keep telling ourselves we are beautiful and it doesn’t matter what people thin